Last night we went out for a bit to a little bar on the corner, across from the Civic Auditorium and next door to the Fox theater.
The one man band played ‘writing music,’ a friend called it: a lone guitar, a little harmonica, and some perfectly placed tech set the mood.
I was reminded of long ago late nights on Cannery Row in Monterey California. Easy music, the perfect background with a glass of wine after a long day and the smell of the ocean on the breeze through an open motel window. I felt my former self last night, a long drive away and years in the past, but a sense of self, regardless.
I wondered if that was the medication working, that sense of a former self when I felt functional, and was not so focused on having fallen apart after losing a job and ending up homeless? Was that what made me feel the former sense of self, a little pill?
We all have great failures, but those – the job and homelessness – really sent me reeling. And those failures, beyond failing at being married and a nasty divorce, were quite a feat – I carried that one with me a long time.
As and INTJ and a woman I find myself contemplating the failures looking for the why’s that something happened. It’s a puzzle that needs solving. One to be understood why and what went wrong. The marriage had to be given up to: different priorities and needs.
But the questions internally? I had to answer the inquisition panel in my head. Was I less a woman because my marriage was destroyed by indiscretion? Was I less a mother because my children spent their weekends alternating between their father and his new wife, and I? Fundamentally it was statistical – different priorities and needs.
To sort myself out over it I had to come to terms – I was not as self obsessed and selfish, I was a self possessed, calm, and in control. I never really solved the puzzle to the last detailing of transgressions or stacking failures of the marriage so that I could find the ONE thing that did it. But I came to a calm space about it. I have yet to sort out the homelessness and job loss to the same degree. But last night I felt that sense of calm that has been missing for the last few years – somehow it’s going to be okay.
Maybe it was the music, or watching people engage in life. But last night was calming.