The Plan

Had a scene with the therapist and walked out before I lost my temper entirely.
pexels-photo-247772.jpegOverall…that’s good. I felt the control in my hands. SO really good on the part. There is nothing worse than feeling like I have no emotional control.
Not so good, her incessant question about what my plan is…?
It boggles the mind – the plan thing. They want to know you don’t plan to kill yourself.
And they want a plan for “what are you going to do now?”
Well, first I am going to get my head back together. Thank you for your concern.
And second, thank you AGAIN – I now have a picture of the voice I have heard in my head, since I was cognizant of the age of accountability for my self, which by the way is a relentless tyrant.
You don’t think I sat there and asked myself: 
What the hell I was going to do if I couldn’t handle school at 14 units? 
What was I thinking?
Where was I going with my life?
What was the plan?
The circuitous asking of the same question in different ways pissed me off, because my answer was “I DON’T KNOW” WHICH I DO NOT. After a bit I was too angry to deal with it anymore and left. Calmly…and no tears…I left.
For her part, she thinks that a woman like me must have a plan.
And ordinarily I would agree.
But for the moment…my PLAN is to get my head together, look for work, apply for jobs and do something ELSE. Or maybe if things work out and I can get my head together I will have had enough time by August that I can go back to school – PART TIME. Either way looking for a job is helpful because it can work with school.
My plan? Is to find the RIGHT direction and do the RIGHT thing for me to be a long term success at whatever I do. And NOT lose my mind over all this.
Seriously…that relentless voice I have in my head that is always badgering me about how much I am not doing, or not measuring up… has a face now. Wow!
Like I said though, to be fair, I think she was looking for what my plan was. She believes I have one and wanted to hear me say it. I didn’t have one, so there was nothing to say. But after a little bit of sleep I’m sure part of it was to make sure I didn’t have a “plan” to do harm to myself that I was keeping secret.
For the record, I do not have such a plan.
I have no real plans of any kind because I can’t draw one up, I’m staring at blank space right now.
I’m just doing self-care…that’s still a thing right?

2 thoughts on “The Plan

  1. Sometimes we have to fire our therapist and I did just that when I was in this same position. Why? Because I needed my yes to mean yes and my no to be a new boundary I trusted from within myself. Some of my greatest exploits came after I directed my path toward the curiosity life was unveiling to me. My therapist was limited by her plan motives and I have flourished so much more since I broke up with her.

    Liked by 1 person

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